Momentum Podcast: 116
Sex And The Evolutionary Hunter
by Alex Charfen
This is a topic that most business coaches just don't even approach or talk about, but I work with entrepreneurs who are driving themselves to the edge of vulnerability, who are doing so much in the world that their behavior is changing on a daily basis. They are doing so much that their personalities and the way they look at themselves and who they are shifts on a daily basis, and when I'm coaching people, invariably, sooner or later the subject of sex comes up. Because, this is one of those human needs, and for entrepreneurs it's a need. For evolutionary hunters it's a need. I've been coaching people like us, working directly with people like us for over 20 years, and whenever somebody tells me a sex is a want or sex is a convenience or sex is something that they do I always want to turn around and say, “Hey, for people like us, it's a need.”
Full Audio Transcript
I'm Alex Charfen and this is the Momentum Podcast made for empire builders, game changers, trailblazers, shot takers, record breakers, world makers, and creators of all kinds, those among us who can't turn it off and don't know why anyone would want to. We challenge complacency, destroy apathy, and we are obsessed with creating momentum so we can roll over bureaucracy and make our greatest contribution. Sure, we pay attention to their rules, but only so that we can bend them, break them, then rewrite them around our own will. We don't accept our destiny, we define it. We don't understand defeat because you only lose if you stop and we don't know how. While the rest of the world strives for average and clings desperately to the status quo we are the minority, the few who are willing to hallucinate there could be a better future, and instead of just daydreaming of what could be we endure the vulnerability and exposure it takes to make it real. We are the evolutionary hunters, clearly the most important people in the world because entrepreneurs are the only source of consistent, positive human evolution and we always will be.
Sex and the evolutionary hunter.
This is a topic that most business coaches just don't even approach or talk about, but I work with entrepreneurs who are driving themselves to the edge of vulnerability, who are doing so much in the world that their behavior is changing on a daily basis. They are doing so much that their personalities and the way they look at themselves and who they are shifts on a daily basis, and when I'm coaching people, invariably, sooner or later the subject of sex comes up. Because, this is one of those human needs, and for entrepreneurs it's a need. For evolutionary hunters it's a need. I've been coaching people like us, working directly with people like us for over 20 years, and whenever somebody tells me a sex is a want or sex is a convenience or sex is something that they do I always want to turn around and say, "Hey, for people like us, it's a need."
We are physiologically sensitive, momentum-based beings that are highly reactive to constraint, and that physiological coupling with another person, that connection with another person, that intimacy with another person is a deep physiological, psychological need of ours as evolutionary hunters, and here's the challenge, especially for those of you who are in couples where you're working with your spouse, or even you're not, is that sex takes time; for entrepreneurs growing a business often time is something that we don't have, and so what ends up happening, especially with couples, is that it becomes something that gets fit in between or it becomes something that's done when when it's convenient, or it becomes something that starts to become a bit of a struggle or a frustration or a nuisance.
I'll give you an example that I ran into recently, and this happens in so many different ways with so many different couples I've spoken with, but for all of us sex is physiologically different. For some of us, it wakes us up. It's like having a cup of coffee. For others of us it's like a Valium it makes you want to go to sleep immediately. And if you're in a couple of where there's opposite switches, one of you falls asleep, one of you wakes up, it can start to get weird, because when do you have it? When is the right time? When is ... do you schedule it? Do put it on a calendar? What is the way that you actually make it happen so that you both feel like you're getting what you need?
Well, here's what I've found: there's no perfect way to do this. There's no schedule that's going to fit for everyone, but there are some strategies that will make this a lot easier.
The first one is: talk about it. If you're in a relationship and you're running a business and you're growing outcomes in your life, and doing what you want to do and making things happen you should be talking about your sex life with your partner. Let them know what you want, what you like, what you don't want. One of the biggest challenges that I see in entrepreneurial couples is that they don't have the discussion about sex. They allow small cracks to start to create around this incredibly intimate, very important physiological connection that we have with each other, and they start to move apart and they lose passion or they lose connection or one of them doesn't have their needs met or one of them has unspoken needs unmet. And, that's how we start to create space in between us.
For entrepreneurs the key is we should talk to our partner about sex and what we want and what we don't want and what we like and when we don't like. That's going to bring about number two.
So first is talk about it. The second one is: when it comes to sex, you have to be willing to compromise. None of us, especially in a relationship, is going to have a perfect sex life. If you do then you're lucky and you're probably not admitting some stuff to yourself, because the fact is that it's never perfect. Sometimes our partner wants to when we don't. Sometimes we want to and our partner doesn't. But the fact is, when it comes to sex, compromise is key because no to sex drives are identical. No two needs and wants are identical, so understanding what your partner needs, understanding what your partner wants, and making sure that you're willing to compromise and be there for them and do what they want as well as what you want, that's how you're going to create the foundation of your relationship.
We are physiologically sensitive, momentum-based beings. The physiological connection between us is a massive part of the foundation that will keep us together, that will keep us connected, that will make us feel closer. So, make sure that you're talking about it and you're willing to compromise.
And step three, keep talking about it. You know, I've coached a lot of entrepreneurial couples and I've coached a lot of people into this discussion and the challenge is that a lot of the time it only happens once. Keep the dialogue open. How are you really feeling? What do you really want? What do you like? What do you not like? One of the biggest issues that I see when it comes to sex is we don't know how to talk about it. We don't know how to bring up the conversation. We don't know how to say what we want. We don't know how to explain what's going on for us, and it's one of those places where needs, if not expressed, will almost assuredly go unmet.
My question to you is: if you're in a relationship, if you have a significant other, if you're married, why would you possibly commit to a lifetime of letting your needs go unmet? Why would you commit to a lifetime of not having the other person understanding what you want? And why would you commit to not sharing how you feel? Because, when it comes to sex, when it comes to physical intimacy, if you're willing to communicate with your partner, your chances of getting what you want go up to the place where it's actually possible. If you're not willing to communicate, if you're not willing to tell your partner what you want, if you're not willing to let them know what you like, what you don't like, when you want to have sex, when you don't want to have sex, what time of day is best for you, what preferences you have, then you are only going to get what you want if you get lucky, no pun intended. I just realized that I said that in the sex podcast. That was pretty funny.
But the fact is I wouldn't rely on luck when it comes to something that is foundational as sex for people like us. So, here's my advice. This is my process. This is what I would tell you to do:
1. Admit just how important this really is to you. Understand that this was one of those foundational things that is a huge part of how you see yourself in the world, your sex life, your physical intimacy with another person is going to reflect in the world, in your confidence, in how you show up and how people see you. So this is a crazy opportunity, because by communicating with your partner, taking step one, talk about it, you open up this entirely new realm that the vast majority of entrepreneurs don't have. You're going to have an advantage over everyone who's not talking about their sexual preferences with their partner. You're going to have an advantage over everyone who's not talking about what they want sexually with their partner. You're going to have an advantage over everyone who's just putting up with what they're getting sexually from their partner, because the better you feel in this regard, the greater you will show up in the world.
That's just how it works for people like us. And if you're willing to compromise and give a little you would be shocked at how much you will feel coming back. When you have the conversation with your partner, when you understand what they need, when they understand what you need and you are ready to show up together, compromise with each other, support each other, it will change everything and then keep talking about it. Because, if you're willing to go through this process you are one of the few entrepreneurs that is willing to create vulnerability in a place where we all naturally feel vulnerable.
You're one of the few people who's willing to create a discussion in a place where we all naturally feel like we don't want a discussion, and you're one of the few people who's willing to say, "I'm important enough. My relationship is important enough. What I'm doing here on this planet is important enough that I'm going to talk about sex with my partner because it's part of who I am. It's part of how I show up, and I want to make my relationship my unfair advantage. Not a place where I'm trying to catch up."
So, if you're in a relationship and you haven't had the discussion yet, have it. Open the door. Be willing to compromise and don't stop talking about it, and you will be shocked at how quickly and how radically the connection between you and your spouse or partner increases to a place you just didn't know it could get.
Because physical intimacy is critically important for people like us. The challenge is the vast majority of us rely on luck, hope, and prayers to get the physical intimacy we want. The fact is we could get that physical intimacy right now by:
2. Being willing to compromise and show up for our partner.
3. Keep communicating and understand what you need next.
Because, if you've committed to someone and you're in a relationship, then make the commitment to make that relationship as good as it can possibly be for both of you, and if you haven't had the physical intimacy discussion yet, you're leaving a big part of what will make your relationship successful out of the equation.
Take a minute today. Sit down with your partner, broach this subject, however you need to. Play this podcast for them, but have the discussion about what you want, what they want, what could be better, what could be enhanced, made more exciting, what would you really like to have happen more often, when would you like to have it happen? Stop hiding what you really need in this regard. It might be embarrassing to talk about sex, and it might feel uncomfortable, but the fact is until you talk about it you're only going to get what you want if you're lucky. And I want you to be in a position where you and your partner, you and your spouse can build the life you want, the connection you want, the physical intimacy you want, and it can be your unfair advantage.
Most entrepreneurs just aren't willing to have this conversation. Are you going to be one of the few that makes the commitment to building this area of your life in a foundational way and creating momentum in a place where most entrepreneurs feel insecurity, doubt, frustration, irritation, and sometimes even anger. If you can take sex with your partner and turn it into an area of connection and consensus and understanding, everything in your world will create momentum.
I don't even know where to send you after the sex podcast, but sex makes you thirsty, so make sure you're really hydrated. Go do getthirstynow.com and take our 10 day natural thirst challenge. It will make your sex life better, it will make your exercise better, it will make you more present, and make you more aware. Go right now to getthirstynow.com and download the 10 day natural thirst challenge. If you're going to talk to your partner about sex, you're going to be doing a lot more exercise. You need to be fully hydrated. Download the 10 day natural thirst challenge. I think you'll love it.
And in all seriousness, this is an area of discomfort for most. I want it to become an area of unfair advantage for you. Talk to your partner about sex. Get what you want, and you will see the entire world change. Give them what you want and your relationship will become stronger, more foundationally solid, and more bonded together.