Momentum Podcast: 338

Finding Your Other Half For An EPT

by Alex Charfen

Introduction

Last week Cadey and I celebrated our 13 wedding anniversary, lucky 13. One of the questions I get asked most often by entrepreneurial personality types, evolutionary hunters just like you and I, is how do you find the person that you want to be in a relationship because all of the good ones are taken. It doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman. I've heard from either side that all of the good, now insert whatever the other side is, are taken. And I just don't know how to find the person that I want to be in a relationship and I've been looking forever and I don't know how to actually settle down with somebody and find the person who I want to be with. And who I'm excited to be with for the rest of my life. 

And so, on this podcast I want to help you with that question. I want to help you get to the place where you can go out and find the person that you really want to be with and help you through using the exact same process I used.

Episode Description

A question I often get asked is how do you find the person you want to be in a relationship with? Sometimes it seems like all the good ones are taken. The biggest shortcut to finding the person for you is to make a list of what you want and adopt those qualities because that's the type of person you're going to ultimately attract. Last week my wife Cadey and I celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary. I'm sharing with you in this episode the story of how we met and how I knew she was the one for me. If you feel like you're never going to find the right person, I promise you they are out there. Make the list and get clarity because you never know who's right around the corner.

Full Audio Transcript

Last week Cadey and I celebrated our 13 wedding anniversary, lucky 13. One of the questions I get asked most often by entrepreneurial personality types, evolutionary hunters just like you and I, is how do you find the person that you want to be in a relationship because all of the good ones are taken. It doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman. I've heard from either side that all of the good, now insert whatever the other side is, are taken. And I just don't know how to find the person that I want to be in a relationship and I've been looking forever and I don't know how to actually settle down with somebody and find the person who I want to be with. And who I'm excited to be with for the rest of my life. And so, on this podcast I want to help you with that question. I want to help you get to the place where you can go out and find the person that you really want to be with and help you through using the exact same process I used.

And since I've used it, I've coached hundreds of entrepreneurs to do the exact same thing. In fact, the person who cuts my hair who's a really close friend of Cadie's, Jean Barten and I have worked together for a while. Because she's a friend of my wife. And I took her through this process and she ended up meeting David, who first became her boyfriend. And now they're going to get married. And that story has repeated itself in my life now, like I said, hundreds of times. Because so many entrepreneurs have taken momentum master class and they've gone through the extended process and I'm going to share with you today. But I want to give you the highest level, biggest short cuts to finding the person you want to be in a relationship with. And there's really two of them.

So number one, and this is the hard one for most entrepreneurs, but I want you to hear me and I want you to understand this is the fastest short cut to the relationship you want. Become the person you want to be in a relationship with. I know that is such a weird thing for entrepreneurs to hear, but here's what that means. That means you need to figure out what you really want and then adopt all of those qualities because that is exactly what you will attract. And if you're attracting the wrong person right now, if you can attract the right person, if you're not finding the right person you want to be with, there's probably a reason. And a lot of it is you're not the person who's going to attract that person right now.

You probably don't even have clarity around what you want. And there's probably a lot of things that you're working through right now. And I've been there. I promise you I've been there. When it comes to relationships in my past I am a train wreck. Before Cadey, there was very little that I would have said was positive about the relationships that I had had. In fact, I dated the wrong girls. I had a really hard time. I had some frustrating relationships. I was in a relationship that was, it's hard to say this as a man, but mentally abusive. I was with a woman who spent like crazy, who had a lot of habits that were really difficult to deal with, was belittling and abusive, and I didn't even realize it at the time until I got out of the relationship. And went to a therapist and figured things out so I want you to know if you don't have a great track record here, you are not alone.

But Cadey and I have been married 13 years, happily. We have two daughters. We have made tens of millions of dollars together. We feel like we're a very successful couple and we feel like we get closer together every day. And here's how I went about doing that. First, I got really clear on what I wanted in a relationship and here's my suggestion for you. Sit down and make a list of the ten things that you want in a partner. The ten things that are most important. Now, in momentum master class one of our products you can go to momentummasterclass.com and check it out. There's actually an extended way to create this list of ten things. But here's really what you do. You sit down, you list out the ten things you want in a partner. And I don't mean listing things like attractive and nice and those types of. Because you're not going to be in a relationship with somebody you're not attracted to.

Don't waste one of them by saying you want somebody who's pretty or handsome or those types of things. Write the things that you really want from someone. Like I remember when I wrote, and here's my story, when I was about 26 years old I had just gotten out of the really challenging relationship and I went from a challenging relationship where there was tons of noise, like everyday there was problems. Every day there was conflict. There was spending. There was challenges. There was issues. It was hard to go 24 hours without getting upset and without being frustrated. And I ended the relationship and it was like a vacuum in my life. All of the energy went away at once and instead of feeling better when she was gone, I felt hollow and empty and I didn't know what I wanted and I ended up going and getting some EMDR therapy like I've recommended over and over again on this podcast.

You've listened to the podcast, I have called the CEO secret weapon EMDR is an incredible way to relieve trauma, lower pressure and noise, and get a massive amount of clarity. And I did that. And the therapist I was working with had me create a list of the ten things I wanted in a spouse, in a person that I wanted to be with. And I wrote things like I wanted someone who was willing to live outside of the norm. I'm not a 9 to 5 guy. I wanted somebody who wasn't a 9 to 5 person. I wanted someone who was protective and actually cared about me and cared about what was important to me. And I wrote this list. Those were two of the things that were on it. And I kept writing it and writing it until I got to, I never really got to ten. I only got to nine.

But I created this list of nine things and I remember I had it written down. I folded it up I put it in my wallet. And I would show my friends and I would show people from time to time and I remember I got comments like this person doesn't exist. Or if you ever find that person they're already going to be married. Or good luck on finding all of that. And for months I didn't really date. I had been in a really challenging relationship. I kind of went on sabbatical. I didn't want to date. I just carried that list around in my pocket. And I went about my day to day life. And I put a lot of time into that list. I was really careful with what I put on it. And so from time to time I would pull it out and I would read it and I would think about that person and I knew that sooner or later I would find someone who fit those qualities or at least I believed that I would.

And I just kept going and working and doing what I normally did. And then there was a night where I had been on home shopping network back when I was a consultant. I was kind of obsessive so if I had that thinking that now I coach people out of, if it's going to be done right, I have to do it myself so at one point we were doing business with Home shopping. So not only did I make the deals, broker the deals, put them together, create the promotions. I actually went on TV and sold the deals.

And we had had a massive today special. I think we did about 26 million dollars in a single day. That was a pretty good day for our company. A record breaking day. And afterwards, we went out to dinner at a place in Largo, Florida called, or in Tampa, Florida. Largo is where home shopping is. And we went to a place called Bahama Breeze. It's a chain. And a friend of mine and I who worked with me, we were sitting at the bar. I had just been on TV for 24 hours on a today special. I was fatigued and tired and completely worn out. And we sat down and we started, we ordered some food. And this woman came in and sat two seats away from us. And she was gorgeous. And I remember looking at her and thinking I wonder how of the qualities on this list she has.

And almost right away this guy who we kind of knew came and sat in between us and started hitting on her. And he had been drinking and he was not doing too well in the whole game department. In fact, it was kind of funny. He started talking about his money. Just he was like a caricature of a guy hitting on a girl in all the wrong ways. And then it turns out that his girlfriend actually worked at the restaurant. And so he got kicked out. And he eventually the manager came over and asked him to leave so they put him in a cab. And then Cadey was sitting there and there was a seat in between us and I slid over and started talking to her.

And within about 15 minutes I knew that she was unique and special and incredible and had this amazing energy that made me feel grounded. And that was one of the things on my list. I had been with somebody who made me feel anxious. I had been with somebody who made me feel frustrated and upset a lot of the time. And I wanted somebody who felt safe and who felt grounded and she felt like those things. And over the course of about a two and a half hour conversation in that restaurant, I qualified that she was every one of those things on the list. And I didn't get through half of the list before I already started feeling like she was the one. And I know that sounds crazy. I know to people who are not impulsive or who push against impulse, that how could you possibly know. But I just knew.

In fact, that night when we left I walked her out and I got her phone number. And I remember Cadey gave me her number and she had one of those crazy numbers where it was like the area code and then 525-6000 or something. I said come on. Are you giving me the take out pizza phone number? Is this really yours? Actually verified it. I called her and had her show me that her phone was ringing so that I knew I could call her back. And I remember the next day, my mom called because we were still celebrating such an incredible sales day before and my mom called just to congratulate me and I told her. I said, "You know mom, I think I met the woman last night that I'm going to end up marrying." And I know that sounds crazy, but she was incredible. And my mom said, "What was her name?" And I told her. And said it was Cadey and I explained to her why and how I felt and my mom said, "If that's really how you feel I think that's incredible." That's great. And what ended up happening was Cadey didn't call me back for two weeks.

I called her the next day. And she didn't call me back. I called again which is one of those cardinal sins as a guy. You never call a girl twice or at least that's what guys had told me, but I didn't care. I was so crazy about this woman that I called a second time. And she didn't call me back for two weeks. I'm still a little bitter about that other than that, in our relationship, we're doing really well. And when she finally did call back, we didn't live in the same place. It was a chance meeting. Cadey was a flight attendant for Southwest airlines. I had just gotten off of TV. And I was in this restaurant by chance. And she lived in Texas. I lived in south Florida. And instead of seeing each other all the time as you would with somebody you met in the same place, we talked on the phone every night for weeks.

And our shortest conversation was well over an hour and I don't even like to talk on the phone. And over that course of time, in those six weeks, I got to know her better and better and I fell in love with her more and more. And I remember when it was probably three nights in or four nights in that we planned her first trip out to Florida to see me. And she had some stuff going on. I had some stuff going on. So it was six weeks away. And I remember counting down to that day and talking to her every day. And getting to excited about it. And then she was coming out and I remember the day she came out I drove to Fort Lauderdale airport. And I was waiting for her to come out of the airport and I remember the double glass doors open, the sliding doors open. She walked through and I remember driving to the airport. I had this thought like what if she isn't what I remember?

What if she isn't everything? What if I made this up? What if she gets here and I'm like oh my gosh I don't even want her here? That had happened to me before. I dated and gone out on dates and been halfway in and wanted to like run out of the room and I didn't know what was really going to happen. I started talking myself out of it. And as soon as the double sliding glass doors open, and she walked through I knew immediately the second I saw her that everything I felt, everything I knew, and everything I had learned about her was absolutely true and she was the one. And she ended up staying with me, I think it was supposed to be a two day trip. And it ended up being a five day trip. And she went back to Texas and she had talked about moving out a few months later to Florida. And I was very insistent. She ended up moving out I think a few weeks later.

She got rid of her apartment, moved out. We started living together and a year and a half later we were married and that was about 15 years ago. And here's why I think that that happened. Because I had absolute clarity about who I wanted. But not only that. As soon as I made the list I started acting like tht person. I started taking better care of myself. It became more important to me to actually find that person because once it was clear, it was everything that I wanted. And I probably could have met Cadey six months earlier, a year earlier, and had talked to her for a little bit at a bar. And then left. Or talked to her for a little bit at the restaurant and left. We sat at the bar at the restaurant. I always joke with people when people say how did you meet. I always say it was at a bar.

But we were just sitting there to eat. And but I know today that the reason that I have the most incredible woman in my life is because I entered Bahama Breeze that night with clarity around what I was looking for. And I knew exactly what I wanted. I had become the person that was worthy of having someone like that. And so when Cadey and I started talking, I confirmed that she was everything she was and that's what I wanted and I also showed up in a way that showed her that she should take a chance on me. And if you're an entrepreneur who wants to be in a relationship, I don't know of a better way to go about doing it than making your list of the ten things and then becoming that person. Because that will help you find the person you want to be with faster than anything I know. And I know Cadey will listen to this so I just want to say I love you more than anything and that was the luckiest night of my life 13 years ago. And every single day you've shown me just how lucky I am and how fortunate I am to have made that list and to have found you.

So if you're looking for the person in your life, we have a course that actually helps you do this. Momentum master class will help you make massive transitions in your life faster than you ever thought possible. And it actually includes the exact exercise to create the list of ten for the relationship that you want to be in. It's momentummasterclass.com. Check it out if you have a minute. And for any of you who feel like you're never going to find the right person, for women out there who feel like you're never going to find the guy who can stand up to you, who is as strong as you who is going to put up with somebody who is an strong as you are. He's out there. And for you men out there who are thinking you're not going to find the right woman, and she's never going to be there and you have just had one challenging experience after another, I promise you she's out there. Make the list.

Get clarity. Make sure you understand exactly who you're looking for and you never know who's going to walk into the restaurant that you're sitting at tomorrow. It might be exactly who you're looking for because that's what happened to me. It was like lightning striking. Neither one of us should have been in that restaurant. We didn't even live in the area. It was like the luckiest moment of my life. And I'm glad I had the list and I prepared for it.

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With gratitude,

Alex

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