Momentum Podcast: 454
Increased Marriage Momentum
by Alex Charfen
This is one of those topics that most business coaches don't bring up. In fact, most coaches in general don't like to talk about marriage. It can be uncomfortable, it's very personal, it can get sticky, the conversations can be charged and emotional, so a lot of people avoid this.
However, I'm one of those coaches that's with companies for the longterm. I work with entrepreneurs for years, not weeks or months, and here's something I can tell you definitively, if you want more momentum in your business, create more momentum in your marriage.
A lot of coaches avoid the topic of marriage, it's too personal and they don't want to be involved.I'm one of those coaches that's with you for the long term. Your relationship has a direct effect on your business whether you'd like to admit it or not, so, I don't avoid it.You will not sustain momentum in your business if you can't sustain momentum in your marriage.
Let that sink in. As entrepreneurs, when things get overwhelming in our business, one of the places we will always sacrifice first is our marriage and relationships. Your marriage is the most foundational relationship in your life. If you can improve things at the foundation, everything else will get better.If you'd like to understand more of the strategies I've shared in this episode, go to momentummasterclass.com and check out the short presentation.
Full Audio Transcript
Alex Charfen: This is one of those topics that most business coaches don't bring up. In fact, most coaches in general don't like to talk about marriage. It can be uncomfortable, it's very personal, it can get sticky, the conversations can be charged and emotional, so a lot of people avoid this. However, I'm one of those coaches that's with companies for the longterm. I work with entrepreneurs for years, not weeks or months, and here's something I can tell you definitively, if you want more momentum in your business, create more momentum in your marriage.
Alex Charfen: I'm Alex Charfen and this is the momentum podcast made for empire builders, game changers, trailblazers, shot takers, record breakers, world makers and creators of all kinds, those among us who can't turn it off and don't know why anyone would want to. We challenge complacency, destroy apathy, and we are obsessed with creating momentum so we can roll over bureaucracy and make our greatest contribution. Sure, we pay attention to their rules, but only so that we can bend them, break them, then rewrite them around our own will. We don't accept our destiny, we define it. We don't understand defeat because you only lose if you stop and we don't know how. While the rest of the world strives for average and clings desperately to the status quo, we are the minority, the few who are willing to hallucinate there could be a better future and instead of just daydreaming of what could be, we endure the vulnerability and exposure it takes to make it real. We are the Evolutionary Hunters, clearly the most important people in the world because entrepreneurs are the only source of consistent, positive human evolution and we always will be.
Alex Charfen: In our business, we help entrepreneurs create processes in their business that creates certainty and stability and confidence for their team, it makes their team feels safe, makes their team feel confident so that they can go out and change the world. Well, what's interesting is, a lot of entrepreneurs actually believe in process in their business, they believe in putting systems and structure in place, but when it comes to their marriage, they believe the marriage should sustain itself or grow itself or somehow improve on its own, and there really isn't a lot of process there. And for a lot of us, it's because nobody's ever suggested, hey, some process in your marriage may help. So if you haven't heard this before, let me be the first to tell you that you will not sustain momentum in your business if you're not sustaining momentum in your marriage, the momentum in your marriage will hold everything back, and if you feel frustrated or upset or emotionally charged there, your marriage is one of the most foundational relationship in your life, it's not one of, it is the most foundational relationship in your life if you're an entrepreneur. It's the person you chose to spend your life with, to collaborate with, to grow with, to build a life with, it is the most foundational relationship you have.
Alex Charfen: And so if you want to create momentum everywhere else in your life, create momentum in your marriage first and you will see everything improve. When you put process into your business, it will improve, when you put process into your marriage, it will improve dramatically. I'm going to share with you exactly how to do that, but first I just want to share a story of one of our clients that was in a coaching program we had a while ago around our momentum masterclass program. And momentum masterclass is amazing because it shows people a framework where they can get absolutely 100% focused and create a personal strategic plan and move forward quickly, while we also discuss and show a marriage alignment process that you take your planning that you do for momentum masterclass and you share it with your spouse.
Alex Charfen: Well, we had a client in our program, Brandon, who did exactly that. He did all of the planning that we have in momentum master class, he got really clear on is outcomes, he created a strategic plan for himself and he sat down with his wife to share it with her and they had a really transparent and real discussion around what was going on in their marriage and what was going on in the business and what she didn't understand and what she didn't really know was going on. And he explained it to her more, he increased the level of transparency he had with her and his marriage started dramatically improving. It had actually had had some challenges, he and his wife were having disagreements, there was some frustration around him working and him being able to communicate with her and tell her what was happening and being transparent with her dramatically improved the relationship between the two of them. And these are his words, not mine, his business started growing and he wasn't even focused on it. He literally explained it to us like, "Things started getting better, my business started growing and I started closing more clients." And he's like, "I wasn't really focusing on it, I was focusing on my marriage, but everything else in my life got easier."
Alex Charfen: Here's why that happens, Your marriage is the most foundational relationship in your life. If you can improve your life at the foundation, everything in your life will get better. That's why I'm so obsessed with hydration, it's this same concept. If you can improve your hydration level every minute of the day and on a minute to minute basis, you have higher presence and awareness, higher mind body connection because you're fully hydrated, everything you do that day will have a boost, will move in the right direction, the inflection points throughout your day will be inflection points that move you towards momentum and move you upwards because you're boosted all day. Same thing, you put process in your marriage, you connect with your spouse, you reaffirm the connection the two of you have for each other, the love you feel for each other, the support you give to each other and when you do that is foundational, everything in your world will get boosted.
Alex Charfen: We have client after client that has gone through this and proves that when you improve the relationship between you and your spouse, everything changes. Now, here's why, when you and your spouse align, process, putting process in your marriage, creating an alignment, creating time where the two of you get together, creating time where it is just for the marriage, not anything else, it actually creates connection. It creates a deep connection because the two of you commit to aligning, to spending time together, to understanding what's going on with one another, so it creates connection and re affirms that connection you already have.
Alex Charfen: Marriage momentum is fundamental. It improves everything. It's one of those things that it's at the foundation. So alignment creates intimacy at another level. Now, hopefully in every marriage there's sexual, physical intimacy and that is a emotional and spiritual and physical connection that people share when they're in a relationship. However, when you align and when you align intellectually, when you share your future, you share your goals, you tell each other where you really want to go, and then you support each other in getting there, that creates an entirely new level of intimacy, far beyond physical intimacy. In fact, it dramatically enhances physical intimacy. Cadey always says process in the marriage isn't sexy, but if you add process to your marriage, you'll end up having a lot more sex because you will be closer, physically more connected, more attracted to each other, in fact, aligning will make your bond that much stronger.
Alex Charfen: And one of the fears that entrepreneurs have, I hear it all the time when we talk about this, is that if I add process to my marriage, if I add meetings to my marriage, if my spouse and I are sitting down and having these targeted interactions, doesn't that make it boring? Doesn't that turn it into a business relationship? Doesn't that kind of make it all routine? I get that question all the time, and here's what's interesting, is it routine? Yes. Is it boring? Anything but. You married your spouse on purpose, you chose that person, and when you create the space and time where the two of you can align, you can now support each other at an entirely different level. When you create the space and time where you connect on a daily basis, you draw closer daily and make sure that there isn't drift in your relationship and when you connect and align on a daily basis and support each other, that mutual connection creates an excitement and a foundational feeling in your relationship that very few couples have, very few couples actually connect and align and share goals and share outcomes and support each other on a daily basis.
Alex Charfen: The problem with a lot of marriages today is that people act like roommates who sleep together every once in a while, there really isn't a lot of connection, there really isn't a lot of time. We see this all the time, especially with working entrepreneurs because what we do is overwhelming and consuming and there's always something more to do and one of the last places we will proactively say, "Wait, I need to spend more time," is in our marriage, in fact, it's one of the places we will sacrifice first almost all the time. And what we will do is focus on our business to grow the business, but like I just shared in the story with Brandon, I have two rules for entrepreneurial success and these are the two rules I literally coach by these rules for married entrepreneurs, and it's no joke, this is literally what I tell every one of my clients who's married, "If you want entrepreneurial success, rule number one is focus on your marriage first, rule number two is maintain transparency in your marriage."
Alex Charfen: And here's what that means, and here's why, when you are an entrepreneur, if you want to improve the foundation of everything in your entire life and your business, focus on your marriage is the most important foundational relationship in your life. And when you put process in place, here's what happens, process proves that you're putting your marriage first because you set up the time, you set up the space to be there. In fact, I had a consultant, Kirk Dando, incredible consultant, he changed my life in the couple of years that we worked together, and I remember being in a meeting with him and we were doing some planning and strategizing and out of nowhere in the middle of the meeting, Kirk looked across the table and he said, "Alex, what's the most important thing in your life?"
Alex Charfen: And I said, "What do you mean Kirk?" And he was like, "What's the most important thing in your life? Tell me what is most important to you." And I said, "Well that's easy, it's my wife and kids." He goes, "Great, let's take a little break, get your calendar out and your checkbook, I want to see where you're spending your time and money and see if that proves out true." I get a little emotional every time I tell this story cause I remember sitting there hearing Greg say that and then thinking, "Oh my gosh, I don't want him to look at my calendar or my bank statement or checkbook because that's not going to prove to be true. I'm not putting the time into my marriage, I'm not putting the time into my family, I'm focusing almost entirely on my business. And that day my life changed, I remember thinking, I'm never going to get called out like that again because the reality is what's most important to me really is Cadey and Kennedy and Reagan and our relationship and my wife and my family and the life that we've built.
Alex Charfen: I started putting process in my marriage from that day forward. I committed to my marriage and recommitted to it from that day forward and I made sure that Cadey and I were always aligned because I don't want to be one of those couples ... I even start to talk about this and it makes me uncomfortable, when I have entrepreneurial friends call me and they say, Hey, we're getting separated." And I always wonder why. So we get into the conversation, and the ones that hurt ... sometimes relationships are challenging, sometimes relationships can be abusive, sometimes there's just oil and water relationships where things really aren't going to work out. I'm not one of those people that says every marriage is worth it, you should work on it.
Alex Charfen: Sometimes there was a bad decision made and there's a reset needed, and if you think you might in an abusive relationship or you're in a really difficult relationship, listen to my podcast on abusive relationships, but if you're in a marriage that you care about and if you're with a spouse that you love and you want things to work and you want things to get better and you want to continually improve as a couple, well here's some simple things you can do, number one, set a net worth goal as a couple, that's a way to align around money. Set a goal around net worth. Go back and listen to my podcasts on net worth and on the most important metric because the biggest conversation challenge in marriages is typically money or communication. So by setting a net worth goal, you're communicating around money and we're going to make that problem a lot less.
Alex Charfen: Second, start a weekly alignment. Sit down on the weekend and ask each other what's going on in your week, what's going on in my week? Look at places where you have overlaps, look at places where you can support each other, talk about what's coming before it happens so you don't get up on a Thursday morning and have your spouse turn to you and say, "Hey, I really need this from you today." And then it causes frustration and anxiety and you didn't really know what was coming. So take care of that stuff in advance. Sit Down with your spouse once a week and find out what's coming for the week, where might you need to help? Where might they need to help you? Where do you need support? Where do they need support? It will change your entire week.
Alex Charfen: And then on a daily basis, sit down for a simple daily alignment, Cadey and I just finished ours. We sit down and we go through our momentum planners, which is a product we sell in momentum masterclass and is the moment momentum planner where I share with Cadey what my intention is for the day, where I was uncomfortable yesterday, what are my top three things I'm going to get done today, and we share from the day before what I'm grateful for and what I won that day. And when we share that with each other, there's a conversation that happens, there's a connection that happens, there's an alignment that happens, there's an intimacy and closeness that happens just from sharing with each other what's going on for us. And it completely and totally re enforces the marriage.
Alex Charfen: So the two biggest issues in marriage are money and communication. You look at any report on marriage issues, the two biggest issues are always money and communication. So if you align in your marriage and you put process in your marriage and you align around net worth and you create a weekly and daily alignment, you eliminate, or at least significantly challenge the two biggest issues in a marriage and significantly improved the two biggest issues in a marriage. So if you want to increase the momentum everywhere in your life, increase the momentum in your marriage, add process into the relationship you have with your spouse, have a conversation around net worth, align on a weekly basis, sit down on a daily basis and understand what's going on for the two of you, and you will see everything in your marriage improve, but even better, you'll see everything in your entire life improve.
Alex Charfen: And if you'd like to understand more of the strategies that I spoke about today regarding your marriage, if you would like to see the momentum planner and understand the system for aligning your future, your focus, and your day to day activities so that everything you do on a daily basis, you know with certainty is taking you towards the goals, the outcomes, the change you want to make in the world, go to momentummasterclass.com and check it out. It's momentummasterclass.com, there's a short presentation there that gives you information on the product. If you're in a place where you're going through a transition and you want absolute clarity about where you should focus on a daily basis as well as a plan, how to get there, let us help you. Momentummasterclass.com.