Momentum Podcast: 779
Making Love and Business Work: The Number 1 Value for Momentum In Your Marriage
by Alex Charfen
This is a special presentation of the Momentum Podcast. In this unique episode, Alex and Cadey Charfen share the number one value for momentum in your marriage or relationship.
Alex and Cadey have been married for nearly two decades, run numerous mulit-million dollar businesses, and have created a unique process for their marriage that generates momentum.
In this Making Love and Business Work episode, they share that the number one challenge in marriages is issues with communication. In order to create momentum in your marriage and even more momentum in your business, they share the number one value that we have to make sure that communication is always transparent. This is the number one tip for staying aligned and connected as a couple. If you're an entrepreneur building a business, the more stability you can create in your marriage, the more stability you will create in your life and everywhere else. And that stability will be the foundation for you to grow your business and make the impact that you really want.
The Momentum Podcast is created specifically for entrepreneurs like you to get into momentum and take the rest of the world with you. If this episode helped you do that, take a moment and leave a review. Let us know how we have helped you make a bigger impact on the world.
Our entrepreneurial journey doesn't end here! Be sure to check out our Facebook Community filled with entrepreneurs just like you who are getting into momentum and building world-changing empires charfen.com/community
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Full Audio Transcript
This is the Momentum podcast. I will show with married entrepreneurs are those in a relationship? If you want your business to be successful. Treat your marriage like its most important and create absolute transparency in your relationship. I'm Alex Charfen, and this is the Momentum podcast made for empire builders, game changers, trailblazers, shot takers, record breakers, world makers and creators of all kinds, those among us who can't turn it off and don't know why anyone would want to. We challenge complacency, destroy apathy, and we are obsessed with creating momentum so we can roll over bureaucracy and make our greatest contribution. Sure, we pay attention to their rules, but only so that we can bend them, break them, then rewrite them around our own will. We don't accept our destiny. We define it. We don't understand defeat because you only lose if you stop and we don't know how. While the rest of the world strives for average and clings desperately to the status quo, we are the minority. The few who are willing to hallucinate there could be a better future. And instead of just daydreaming of what could be, we endure the vulnerability and exposure it takes to make it real. We are the evolutionary hunters, clearly the most important people in the world because entrepreneurs are the only source of consistent, positive human evolution and we always will be. On this podcast. Not just me, but Cadey is here as well to share with you the number one value we feel like you should have in your marriage or your relationship. If you're an entrepreneur, you want to say hi to everyone.
Hey, everybody, it's Cadey. I'm happy to be here.
I'm excited to have Cadey here. You know, this is a something we haven't done a lot. We haven't recorded a lot of podcast the other. But when I go through the list of podcasts, here's what's interesting. You know, I've recorded solo over 700 podcasts, but like so many of the other things that we've done when Katy's included, it usually is one of the podcasts it gets downloaded more and one of the videos it gets watched more. So I'm sure that's probably going to happen here as well, and we're excited to share this with you. You know, we've been together for 18 years. We've been married for six years and we are not relationship experts. But man, we have put a tremendous amount of work and time and effort into our relationship. We've got a lot of workshops and learning and had coaching together, counseling together, therapy together, all kinds of stuff that has led to an understanding of what it really takes to survive in an entrepreneurial relationship and not just not just make it through not just got it out, but actually be successful. You know, we've we've run a several multimillion dollar businesses. We've made hundreds of millions of dollars, over $100 million in company revenue, tens of millions of dollars in profitability. We've had other people create hundreds of millions of dollars in revenue and hundreds of millions of dollars in profitability. And you know, we that's that's the basis for this podcast. That's that's where we're coming from. So I just want to make sure that we make it clear who we are and that neither one of us is at their best buy. When friends of ours who are entrepreneurs have issues they often call us, don't they?
They do. I think because we have a background in what Alex just talked about, we've we've created success together. We have two beautiful children that are pretty awesome. And and you know, I don't I don't think that this road has always been easy, but we continuously show up for each other and put our marriage
first 100 percent. You know, I we share with entrepreneurs, if you want your married entrepreneurs or those in a relationship, if you want your business to be successful. Treat your marriage like it's most important and create absolute transparency in your relationship. And here's what I mean by that. Like, transparency is communicating what's going on, not holding anything back, not withholding. Because withholding leads to withdrawing with leads, which leads to creating an energetic space in the marriage and Cadey. You know, I know you've given advice this same advice to entrepreneurs as well.
One hundred percent. I think that if you are withholding, you're going to create kind of a little chasm and then, you know, eventually it becomes this massive divide. And I think if if you can create the practice of showing up and having the uncomfortable conversations and getting your partner on your team and understanding that you are a team, then you can create momentum together. You create a greater understanding of your shared values where you want to go, what you want to pursue together, and then you're able to show up, show up and chase those things in in an aligned way instead of, you know, in a way where where it's withholding and and it can kind of become competitive, actually.
Well, and even if you know, if one of you is the entrepreneur and the other one is in, maybe you're not chasing those things together on a day to day basis, but at least you're at least you're energetically aligned. You know, when you don't communicate what's going on, when you don't share with your spouse, what's happening for you? There's a lack of energetic alignment. There's this, you know, at first there is the withholding, then there's the withdraw and that creates space and and a lack of communication and that lack of communication just persists. You know, before Cadey and I hit record here, we were talking about one of the worst cases of lack of transparency I've ever like I've ever run into maybe not one of the worst cases, but maybe one of the worst pieces of advice I've ever heard of an entrepreneur again. So years ago, I was up at Arcangel in Canada, and you didn't come on that trip. I don't remember why. I don't, either. Yeah, I think maybe the kids had something going on because I remember you being at most archangels, but you weren't this one. I think I was actually with Emily Hirsch and. I was on a panel and there was a question from the audience about being a married entrepreneur and, you know, how do you how do you make it work out? And they ask because I think there are several of us on the panel that were married and several of us on the panel who worked with our spouse. And so, you know, each person on the panel gave some advice about how you make it work. And when he came to me, I showed him. I said, I should earlier look, make your marriage most important and make transparency in your marriage absolute, which means you communicate what's going on, which means you communicate the uncomfortable conversations, which means you stay in the conversation until your spouse understands what's happening with you and what's going on in the business until they can support you. If you're not working together like that spouse is not in the business should have enough information that they can actually support you. And again, this is advice we've both given entrepreneurs. And when I got off stage, an interesting thing happened. I walked down into the hallway as I often do. It is a man. I've spent time in the hallway. I need to walk around and this woman that I knew from previous Archangel events had walked, walked up to me. And she said, Hey, you know, I want to challenge you on what you said on that panel. And I was like, OK, what was an hour long panel? I had said a lot of things, so I didn't immediately let me know what she was going to challenge. And she said, you know, a few weeks ago, I was actually a few months ago, I was in an event and there was a woman on stage. And you know, a very similar question was asked. Only the person who asked questions said, you know, that their spouse was causing friction and was asking too many questions and was making it hard to to move the business forward. And so the woman on stage said without any hesitation that what you should do is just stop telling your spouse what's going on in the business and if they ask, just communicate very little. And if they asked detailed questions, just deflect or divert. And that's what I've been doing. And you know what, so far I've seen some, some movement in my business is not growing yet, but it feels like it's going in the right direction. And as she was talking, I'm like thinking to myself, Man, I really want to talk to this woman on stage because given the experience I've had working with entrepreneurs and you know, Cadey, you and I have worked with tons of married entrepreneurs. We both coached marine entrepreneurs. We've actually both coached couples in growing businesses. And one of the first pieces of advice we give is you have to communicate with each other. Yeah. And so I, you know, I I started asking questions and you know, at first I said, you know, is your husband abusive? And she, like, was taken aback. And I said, and she was like, What do you mean, abusive? And I said, Well, is he abusive? Is he hyper controlling? Is he abusive? Is he not letting you do what you want to do? Are there, you know? Does he not support you in your life? Has he been unsupportive? Like, are you in a relationship where you need to withhold for your safety or you need to withhold so that you can be who you want to be? And she was like, No, no, not. He's not abusive. But when we get into big conversations about my business, he has way too many questions and sometimes I feel like he's slowing me down. And you know, they're seeing that I want to do in a vision that I have, and I feel like I can make this big impact. But when he starts asking questions, sometimes it just makes me feel like like, you know, it makes it challenges my confidence and it makes it feel like I don't feel that great. And I I don't really, you know, when I have conversations with him, I walk away feeling like I'm not as clear as I want to be. And I remember thinking, that's because you're not as clear as you need to be, you know, like if just a series of questions from your spouse are throwing you off, that's probably because you have this great vision that you haven't really thought through when you agree 100 percent.
And if your spouse is asking questions, it's because they're you're in a not only in a partnership, but also in a marriage, but you're in a financial partnership. And, you know, sometimes spouses are curious about those things. And I think, you know, being the adult and being responsible and being able to show up and answer those questions is showing respect and mutual support for the relationship and staying in the hard conversations so that you can bring your spouse along with you. And that's vitally important to not only your business success, but to the connectedness in the relationship.
Well, and I go one step further and this is what I this is what I shared with this woman who is a quote unquote challenging my my ideas from the panel. I told you, you know, if you haven't talked to your business enough that your spouse ask questions and that makes you lack confidence, then you need to think through your business more and answer all of their questions because there's probably something there. And, you know, I told her, you know, how has this going? How long have you been doing this? And she said, Well, about six months. And I said, you know, you said your business was about to start growing, but it hasn't really. She was like, No, it really hasn't. I said, How's your marriage going? Like, honestly, tell me, how's your marriage going? She's like, Well, you know, it's going, OK. We might argue a little more than we used to. And, you know, I don't think we talk as much as we used to, but I'm really focused on my business and I know I'm gonna make this big contribution. I know I'm gonna move things forward. And I said, OK, well, that sounds great. What's more important? Your marriage, your business. And I remember there was this like pause, and I could see like her energetic shift completely. And I think she might have even gotten some tears in her eyes. And I just stood there waiting. She didn't answer right away. And then finally, like timidly, she said, Well, my marriage. And I said, OK, so I want you to understand something. What I just heard from you is that you have placed your marriage in a place of importance. So I sorry your business in a place of importance so high above your marriage that what you're telling me is you are de facto deceiving your spouse. And how many times in your marriage has you have you had your spouse? And that suddenly she goes, Well, I don't feel like I'm lying. It's a wow isn't a lie by omission like deflecting their question. His questions, not really telling him what's going on. Not really communicating. Isn't that like a lack of honesty in the very minimum? And she was like, Well, I guess so. I said, OK, well, let's just call it what it is. It's a lie by omission. You're not really communicating what's going on and the energetic that you're feeling in your relationship, that space that you're creating inside that space that you're feeling, you've created that. And what I'm hearing from you is when your spouse challenged you on the business, you didn't have the answers. Well, I want you to know something. Your spouse is your secret weapon. They will ask you questions. And it's annoying sometimes, and it's challenging sometimes. Believe me, I know I've annoyed the crap out of Cadey and vice versa in the last eight years more than once. Would you agree? Yes. Yeah. I mean,
I mean wholeheartedly. I would agree. 100 percent with
you. Clearly annoyed me more than the other.
Of course. Of course, there's always that balance.
But but you know, I and I told her, like, this is what's happening here is rather than using your spouse, the person who spends the most time with you in the world, the person who who you know, if you've been married for a while knows you better than anyone else in the world, rather than letting them be that sounding board, that litmus test that that, you know, that view into what you really should be thinking about. You've shut him out. And not only is that going to challenge you or your business is going to challenge your relationship, that that's our daughter, Coleen. So just, you know, real life entrepreneurship here. Fine. We'll call her back in a second. So, you know, that's going to challenge not just the relationship is going to challenge your business, it's going to challenge your ability to grow. It's going to challenge, you know what? You're what you're trying to do. And and I told, right, you know, I'm glad your business hasn't started growing and I don't say that to entrepreneurs often, because what I really would hate for you to have is this evidence that not telling your spouse everything that's going on and deflecting and deferring actually made your business grow. And I think you're actually in a really good place to sit down, create a plan, get clear and go talk to your husband and communicate everything and stay in the hard conversation. And as long as you need to until he understands what's going on, because then here's what's going to happen. You're going to have his full energetic support and you're going to have thought through all of the things he's asking you questions about. And both of those things are a massive catalyst to business growth. When you agree
100 percent, the more clear you are, the better you can communicate. I think when people are coming or your spouse is asking you questions and you're triggered, the trigger is evidence that you have some deeper thinking to do, and there's probably questions that you need to to really have. Be clear on yourself, which is probably why you're feeling triggered. And so instead of being reactive and getting upset, you know the best thing to do is maybe take a minute. You don't have to stay in the conversation to just say, Hey, you know, I'm really thinking about your questions and I think I need a minute. And, you know, go take some space, take some time, maybe do some breath work journal and then come back to the conversation and confidently answer those questions. And if you can, then, you know, maybe co-create a solution together and create, you know, a way for you both to be comfortable so that you can move forward and create momentum and move forward faster.
You're so right, Cadey. Like if you're triggered by a question from your spouse, that's more about you than them 100 percent of the time. You know, that is absolutely more about you. And if you're triggered about a detailed question about your business from your spouse, there is a deficiency in your business. There's a deficiency in your plan, there's a deficiency in how you're looking at it. Because if you can confidently in an energetically confident and informationally confident and, you know, share your plan, share what you're going to do in a way that you can show that you really know what you're doing. Your spouse is going to buy in unless you have have. Like I said, there's a situation with the relationship, like I said earlier. But if you're in a loving relationship with somebody who cares about you when you communicate enough to them, here's what's going to happen. And here's the flip side when you have the full, energetic support of your spouse, it will increase your confidence and give you momentum, like really for a married entrepreneur like almost nothing else can. And, you know, Cadey and I have had a ton of counseling and coaching and therapy, and we've we've done a lot to work on our marriage. One of the coaches that we. Work with Kylie Ryan out of Australia, who's extraordinary. You know, she shared with us that nervous system regulation has everything to do with the relationships in your life and the number one relationship that affects your nervous system. Regulation is your marriage. If you're purposely withholding and withdrawing information from that marriage, it's going to affect your entire nervous system. You know, Cadey and I know that's when we've had disagreements, when we've had issues. We actually see it in our aura ring metrics, you know, we both wear nor a ring. So it tells you how you sleep. How's your heart rate at night tells you your HIV. If we're having a period of disagreement, those metrics don't go in the right direction. I can't imagine a period where I'm purposely withholding from her what would happen in the metrics. So. Transparency in your marriage is one of the values you should hold dear, and when you're feeling uncomfortable, when you're feeling like things aren't going in the right direction, when you're feeling like maybe there's something going on in that relationship and when your business isn't doing what you want it to do. I think one of the most important things you can do is communicate with your spouse.
So here's what I would love for you to do, you know, Cadey and I recently rebranded our business from Charfen
to Simple Operations,
and we created a new Facebook group called Simple Operations. Operating your business just got simple. And what we'd love for you to do is if you have any questions on relationships, if this podcast meant something to you. If you'd like to hear more from Cadey, if you'd like to hear more from me, go on Facebook, navigate over to our new group Simple Operations. Operating your business just got simple. Answer a few questions for my team, and it doesn't matter what your answers are. As long as you answer them, we're going to get you approved and Cadey, and I would love to be able to support you. Answer questions, continue this conversation in our Facebook group. And for all of those of you who are in a relationship or married. Happy Valentine's Day week for me
and for me. You'll enjoy each other this week
and we'll see you in our Facebook group. Simple Operations. Operating your business just got simple access and
you'll enjoy each other this week.
Yeah, it kind of sounded a little sexual, didn't it? Well, you should. Yeah, do that too. Yeah, I mean, right below absolute transparency in your marriage. The second value should be that as the great week, everyone by.
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